Skip to main content

I am 4

I'm a hot mess. ALWAYS. I strive for perfection and never get it right. Im always late, or forgetting something, or bumping my car on curbs. I struggle to balance being the perfect daughter, sister, sister in law, auntie, niece, cousin, coworker, teacher, powerlifter, and friend...and 9/10 I am not even doing one of those roles well. One of my friends (lovingly) pointed out to me that when something is slightly hard or even really tough, my world crumbles. It's been my coping mechanism to react strongly my whole life and only got reinforced by the trauma I've endured. I've believed for so long that I have to react big or pain loses meaning. I need to be more kind and gentle with myself so I can grow and learn to handle situations with more control. I can be in control of my feelings.
Through this and reading the book The Road Back to You, I realized I am a four on the Enneagram. I thought I was a two because I have a helpful nature, then a three because I HATE for people to point out my flaws and I want people to be proud of me, but after reading I am a 4. I struggle with push and pull in relationships, being stuck in the past, I enjoy all the beauty in the little things. AND I FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS. I also struggle to be present, I think a lot about what I am missing, or I am defective, or living in the past. SO BASICALLY I SUCK AND I AM GOING TO TRY TO SUCK LESS. I intended to say some things I am good at somewhere in this post, but that would be too much self awareness and growth for one night.

*Side note I told my ex off who kept trying to insert himself back in my life after I threw him out. So one bonus of letting my emotions bleed all over everyone.  This is my public apology for everyone I have spilled my feelings to that didn't actually want them or care and I will do a better job containing them. *


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Blood Drive

10/2 I donated blood during the homecoming blood drive this week and it felt incredible to be able to serve my community. I always get slightly nervous around needles, but I only got slightly lightheaded at the end. The process only took about 1 hour and I helped save 3 lives! 4/25 hours
Post a Comment
Read more

Sigma Kappa Highway Cleanup

Today I participated in  Sigma Kappa's highway clean up day.  One of our philanthropies is Inherit the Earth which supports caring for our planet. We adopted the highway out-front of ETSU and it stretches to the hospital. Sigma Kappa cleans it twice a semester. My sisters and I spent two hours picking up several trash bags full of litter off of the highway. It was wonderful to make a difference for the community and planet today! 16/30 hours
Post a Comment
Read more

My Testimony - Fearless, Flawless, Forgiven.

(Adapted from an essay I wrote on failure) I was that   girl. I grew up in church, made straight A's, and was a cheerleader for most of my life. Any club you can name, I attended it in high school. I had an amazing reputation and was so proud of the being the goodie two shoes, all-american girl. Then I went to UT. I met my first boyfriend, and long story short I started making some pretty bad decisions. I ended up alone, broken, and no longer feeling deserving of love- much less the love of my heavenly father. who would want this garbage?  For exactly 361 days, I wanted to die. My hands were trembling, and my breath was cold as it ran over my lips. I felt all alone on Henley Street Bridge, even though I could see the headlights and feel the rush of the cars behind me. I can recall countless nights that I had stayed up, sometimes 24 hours in a row, sobbing and begging God for death. I could not take the feeling that my insides were ripping apart anymore. I had lost myself in
Post a Comment
Read more