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I am 4

I'm a hot mess. ALWAYS. I strive for perfection and never get it right. Im always late, or forgetting something, or bumping my car on curbs. I struggle to balance being the perfect daughter, sister, sister in law, auntie, niece, cousin, coworker, teacher, powerlifter, and friend...and 9/10 I am not even doing one of those roles well. One of my friends (lovingly) pointed out to me that when something is slightly hard or even really tough, my world crumbles. It's been my coping mechanism to react strongly my whole life and only got reinforced by the trauma I've endured. I've believed for so long that I have to react big or pain loses meaning. I need to be more kind and gentle with myself so I can grow and learn to handle situations with more control. I can be in control of my feelings.
Through this and reading the book The Road Back to You, I realized I am a four on the Enneagram. I thought I was a two because I have a helpful nature, then a three because I HATE for people to point out my flaws and I want people to be proud of me, but after reading I am a 4. I struggle with push and pull in relationships, being stuck in the past, I enjoy all the beauty in the little things. AND I FEEL ALL THE FEELINGS. I also struggle to be present, I think a lot about what I am missing, or I am defective, or living in the past. SO BASICALLY I SUCK AND I AM GOING TO TRY TO SUCK LESS. I intended to say some things I am good at somewhere in this post, but that would be too much self awareness and growth for one night.

*Side note I told my ex off who kept trying to insert himself back in my life after I threw him out. So one bonus of letting my emotions bleed all over everyone.  This is my public apology for everyone I have spilled my feelings to that didn't actually want them or care and I will do a better job containing them. *


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